2 Years Later.....

I stopped today to look back on my feelings once upon a time, before my life was the fairytale I had always imagined. I read the words I had inscribed into the World Wide Web. And let me to you how everything has changed. 

I moved away from St. George. Back home to Salt Lake City where I got a new job, moved out of my parents house, started my career in retail fashion, and wound up falling into the most amazing love story you could ever imagine. 

Here's the part where David comes in. 

We have known each other since middle school. Young love always prevails. Of course I did not date David back then, we kissed a few times, hooked up a few more, but never called one another partners. 

Fast forward 6 years later. 

Facebook. Facebook brought us back together. Two weeks after I had sworn off men and decided to focus on myself I get a friend request coinciding with an email from David himself. Instantaneously I wanted to see him. I have always been drawn to that boys energy. So one thing led to another and we were hanging out almost every day, texting constantly. I was falling in love with him. And he wanted nothing to do with that. 

But for some reason I couldn't let go of him. I knew I needed him in my life. 

November came around and I had fallen hard. He completely swept me off my feet without me even realizing it. And with that I wanted to celebrate my 21 birthday with him and only him. Wendover was an adventure. We got drunk, lost some money, and wound up back at the right hotel at 3 am. I laid on the bed of our room and confessed to him all my secrets and the biggest one of all, that I loved him. 

2 weeks later the pregnancy test came up positive. And our lives changed in an instant. 

We didn't want to keep the baby at first. We had decided that we weren't ready for that responsibility. I called to make the appointment and I just hung up the phone after 1 ring. I couldn't deny the gift I had received. I wanted that baby even if it meant doing it alone. So I told David he could walk away, no strings attached. But he denied me. Saying he would never be the kind of man to walk away from what he created. I admired him even more for that. But that didn't mean we were in a relationship. But slowly as my belly grew our love for each other blossomed with it. And before I knew it we were looking for an apartment together. 

8 months went by. 

We had a great apartment. We were completely in love. And our baby boy was on his way. We were ready to be parents. So excited to bring Daniel into this world. Just one more month and we would have our baby at home and our family started. 

But Daniel didn't want to wait. And with one month before he was due we were in the hospital fighting for our lives. Daniel and I were very sick. Pre-eclampsia had cursed us and we were struggling to make it through the night. The next I knew I was being wheeled into an emergency C-section and Danny was born 10 minutes later. 3 pounds 13 ounces 17 inches long.

He was tiny and sick, but he was strong. After just 1 week in the hospital we brought our little boy home. Where he has grown so fast and kept me and David on our toes. 

Now here we are. Danny is 1 months old. David and I are completely in love, and starting to create a life for ourselves and our son.

David is my happily ever after. He treats me like a queen and looks at our son like he is the center of the universe. I couldn't before happy than I am right now. And it all changed within 2 years.

2 years ago I was pleading with the universe to give me a man to love and life to cherish. The universe replied in due time. And I couldn't be more thankful. 

So here is to two more.... 

May they bring just as much wonderful change as the last. And may I have the wisdom to look back and appreciate the journey. 

I'm ready

I'm ready to lay down at night and not feel the cold sheets empty next to me.

I'm ready to through away the body pillow and put away the baby blanket.

I'm struggling to convince myself that I am not ready for a relationship.

I'm tired of dreaming of the fairytale Prince Charming that will never show up on a white horse.

I'm on my knees asking for something to come along and pick me up from the pool of tears and fears and self doubt that I have trapped myself in.

I want to wash away the heavy, messy, dissatisfying past with someone warm and caring.

I'm fearful that whoever comes along wont love my scars and battle wounds from past loves and losses.

I'm trying hard to swallow the guilt I have for not being the woman worth wanting.

I still sleep with one palm ready to be held, and lips purses ready to be devoured in affection.

I want to grow as a person intertwined with a soulmate.

I don't want to find myself alone....

Because alone is the hardest part of moving on and the easiest part of losing faith.

I'm ready to find you...

The shadows I Cast

I look down at the black pavement sea and wonder how my shadow even reflects. It's black as the late night and I feel as dark as my thick silhouette.

The depression creeps in again. The fear and hatred of my own soul keeps me awake at night. Wishing to get better, wishing I didnt feel the way I do. I want to feel as free as the sun. Warm and inviting it breaks through the clouds every day, pushing through the darkness of the world and always drying the tears of the earth.

I want to feel peace again, to feel invited and understood. I want to sleep through the late hours and rise again in the morning with new hopes and dreams for the days to come.

But I wake late in the afternoon, too broken to move one leg infront of the other. I wash away the etched streaks along my raw skin, but it doesn't remove the remembrance of the sorrow I feel.

It sounds petty, sappy, pathetic even. I sound unimaginabley sad over nothing. But when I gaze around at the faces near me I see the same expressions of yearning for something new.

I plead with my own conscious to sleep. To rest until the day that I can't wake up and remember what it was that made me fight for my happiness. Because until I find the drive to get out of bed every morning, I fear I will never become anything but a limp pillow for someone to ly on.

The beginning of an end

Someone once told me to leave the place you call home is to run away from everything that you stand for. And maybe they were right, maybe leaving is just a way to hide that your scared or hurt or just tired. But does it always have to have a bad outcome.

My mom and I ran away to Moab, and it ended up being a whole new life for me. One that I owe a lot of who I am today too.

I ran away from Moab and moved to st. George to become someone worth remembering.

And now the day had come where I will run away from St. George and go back home. To the familiar and un-judging safety of family and old friends.

So has running away made me a coward all these years, or had it made me stronger and more aware of my surroundings? I would like to believe the later. I would like to think that by my constant need for change in scenery I become aware of the constant need of change in heart.

So the end of one journey begins the start of another, less known, but still important move to shape my future.

Where will I run away to next? I hope it's somewhere that can teach me how to believe in myself again.

Pride and prejudice

The movie starts, your cuddled up inside a warm blanket. The music eases in to a low hum and it resonates inside your ears, bringing you an instantaneous comfort within your chest. Your mind wanders to far away hills on the countryside, surrounded with luscious green fields and full bloomed flowers. Then your brought back to the screen where a love story so profoundly unimaginable unfolds.

All to often we are reminded that the epic love story of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth is just that, a fictional love story. Not one that could present itself in real life, especially not in this day in age. But why must I be so drawn to the tale of the search for true love.

I feel a strong sense of likeness to Lizzie from pride and prejudice, not just because she is the main
character in my favorite novel, but because I too believe that no matter how much someone tells you that love will never find you, you will always search willingly an never give up or settle on anything less.

I want to find a Darcy for myself. One that is so enthralled with me that I cannot sway him any other way. One that will never give up and will always show me that no matter how I feel he will still care.

Depression

I started to feel myself slip into depression again. Staying up late, crying myself to sleep. Dreaming of hurtful things. I hate when I get to this stage, because a no one ever notices and b no one really cares. I feel the weight of life breathing down my neck begging for me to just give up. I know I need therapy but I can't bring myself to let anyone in on the secrets that I hold. I tried to go back to church, but that only made me feel more like a failure. My life is going no where and I think that if I stay in one place any longer I'm gonna be stuck for the rest of my life. I need help. But what do you say? "I really don't have any problems, but I'll complain about my life anyways". I feel pathetic an weak and I wish I could be stronger than this.

Just a little love

I have come to realize that a lot of men look at a girls pant size before they look at her heart. When your standing at a size 13, some boys think you have too much to "offer". But I am here to say that my size doesn't make me any less attractive. I take care of myself and doll myself up almost every day. And my heart is as good as gold. If I love you I'll let you know it and I'll make sure you feel it. But I will never get that chance if someone can't look passed my exterior weight to my interior abundance of love.
I am willing to fight for what I believe in and I believe that a bigger woman is just as beautiful in her size 13 than a smaller woman is in her size 2. But a man needs to believe that there is more to life than a trophy wife. Because I have a brain and I am independent I get pushed under the rug like I can handle life on my own. But who wants to handle life on there own? Who wants to be on top when there is no one standing beside her?
I'm ready for a relationship. Or someone who can love me for me. Because in never gonna stop being independent and smart, and I'm never gonna loose the weight just so you can say I'm beautiful.