The shadows I Cast

I look down at the black pavement sea and wonder how my shadow even reflects. It's black as the late night and I feel as dark as my thick silhouette.

The depression creeps in again. The fear and hatred of my own soul keeps me awake at night. Wishing to get better, wishing I didnt feel the way I do. I want to feel as free as the sun. Warm and inviting it breaks through the clouds every day, pushing through the darkness of the world and always drying the tears of the earth.

I want to feel peace again, to feel invited and understood. I want to sleep through the late hours and rise again in the morning with new hopes and dreams for the days to come.

But I wake late in the afternoon, too broken to move one leg infront of the other. I wash away the etched streaks along my raw skin, but it doesn't remove the remembrance of the sorrow I feel.

It sounds petty, sappy, pathetic even. I sound unimaginabley sad over nothing. But when I gaze around at the faces near me I see the same expressions of yearning for something new.

I plead with my own conscious to sleep. To rest until the day that I can't wake up and remember what it was that made me fight for my happiness. Because until I find the drive to get out of bed every morning, I fear I will never become anything but a limp pillow for someone to ly on.

The beginning of an end

Someone once told me to leave the place you call home is to run away from everything that you stand for. And maybe they were right, maybe leaving is just a way to hide that your scared or hurt or just tired. But does it always have to have a bad outcome.

My mom and I ran away to Moab, and it ended up being a whole new life for me. One that I owe a lot of who I am today too.

I ran away from Moab and moved to st. George to become someone worth remembering.

And now the day had come where I will run away from St. George and go back home. To the familiar and un-judging safety of family and old friends.

So has running away made me a coward all these years, or had it made me stronger and more aware of my surroundings? I would like to believe the later. I would like to think that by my constant need for change in scenery I become aware of the constant need of change in heart.

So the end of one journey begins the start of another, less known, but still important move to shape my future.

Where will I run away to next? I hope it's somewhere that can teach me how to believe in myself again.

Pride and prejudice

The movie starts, your cuddled up inside a warm blanket. The music eases in to a low hum and it resonates inside your ears, bringing you an instantaneous comfort within your chest. Your mind wanders to far away hills on the countryside, surrounded with luscious green fields and full bloomed flowers. Then your brought back to the screen where a love story so profoundly unimaginable unfolds.

All to often we are reminded that the epic love story of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth is just that, a fictional love story. Not one that could present itself in real life, especially not in this day in age. But why must I be so drawn to the tale of the search for true love.

I feel a strong sense of likeness to Lizzie from pride and prejudice, not just because she is the main
character in my favorite novel, but because I too believe that no matter how much someone tells you that love will never find you, you will always search willingly an never give up or settle on anything less.

I want to find a Darcy for myself. One that is so enthralled with me that I cannot sway him any other way. One that will never give up and will always show me that no matter how I feel he will still care.

Depression

I started to feel myself slip into depression again. Staying up late, crying myself to sleep. Dreaming of hurtful things. I hate when I get to this stage, because a no one ever notices and b no one really cares. I feel the weight of life breathing down my neck begging for me to just give up. I know I need therapy but I can't bring myself to let anyone in on the secrets that I hold. I tried to go back to church, but that only made me feel more like a failure. My life is going no where and I think that if I stay in one place any longer I'm gonna be stuck for the rest of my life. I need help. But what do you say? "I really don't have any problems, but I'll complain about my life anyways". I feel pathetic an weak and I wish I could be stronger than this.

Just a little love

I have come to realize that a lot of men look at a girls pant size before they look at her heart. When your standing at a size 13, some boys think you have too much to "offer". But I am here to say that my size doesn't make me any less attractive. I take care of myself and doll myself up almost every day. And my heart is as good as gold. If I love you I'll let you know it and I'll make sure you feel it. But I will never get that chance if someone can't look passed my exterior weight to my interior abundance of love.
I am willing to fight for what I believe in and I believe that a bigger woman is just as beautiful in her size 13 than a smaller woman is in her size 2. But a man needs to believe that there is more to life than a trophy wife. Because I have a brain and I am independent I get pushed under the rug like I can handle life on my own. But who wants to handle life on there own? Who wants to be on top when there is no one standing beside her?
I'm ready for a relationship. Or someone who can love me for me. Because in never gonna stop being independent and smart, and I'm never gonna loose the weight just so you can say I'm beautiful.

What Doesnt Kill You Makes You Stronger

What a perfect song by Kelly Clarkson. I dont think anyone could have said it better. Whenever I listen to this song I feel empowered to get up and do something about my life. Here is my advice.
1. Listen to the song
2. Get up out of bed
3. Stop feeling sorry for yourself
4. Find something that makes you happy
5. Find someone to make you laugh
6. Surround yourself with positive influences, people, place, things anything that can change you life.
7. Understand that one day everything is going to get better
8. Never give up on yourself, your dreams, and the ones you love
9. Dont forget to be thankful for everything that has gone right in your life
10. Listen to the song again......just to make sure you got the message.


You know the bed feels warmer  
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color 
 And do the things I want 
You think you got the best of me 
Think you've had the last laugh 
Bet you think that everything good is gone 
Think you left me broken down 
Think that I'd come running back  
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone 
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
 Footsteps even lighter 
 Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone 
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger 
Just me, myself and I  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
Stand a little taller 
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  

You heard that I was starting over with someone new 
 They told you I was moving on over you  
You didn't think that I'd come back I'd come back swinging 
You try to break me But you see...  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller  
 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter 
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger 
Just me, myself and I  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller 
 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone 

Thanks to you I got a new thing started 
 Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted  
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'about me  
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning In the end... 

 What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter 
Footsteps even lighter 
 Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger  
Just me, myself and I 
 What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller 
 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger 
Just me, myself and I  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

I know that life is never supposed to be easy. I know that I am only 19 and I am not supposed to wake up in the middle of the night cry, but I do. I do for so many reasons, but mostly because I just don't know who I am anymore. I feel like every chapter in my life has lead to different versions of me, completely opposite identities that have lead to one final collage of me. Everyone says when making a collage pick out the best parts of the magazine, the things that inspire you; words, photos, anything that makes you think and feel and really just anything that is pretty. So along the journey I have made a collage of myself with all the different versions of my personalities and jammed it all into one final MEAGAN LOUISE DOTY. But what does that mean? I just want to finally figure out if it all fits together..... but then again is a collage supposed to be organized and pretty? I guess my post today is just to say...I dont need to know who I am, but what I have become will always be growing with each magazine that I pick up.