2 Years Later.....

I stopped today to look back on my feelings once upon a time, before my life was the fairytale I had always imagined. I read the words I had inscribed into the World Wide Web. And let me to you how everything has changed. 

I moved away from St. George. Back home to Salt Lake City where I got a new job, moved out of my parents house, started my career in retail fashion, and wound up falling into the most amazing love story you could ever imagine. 

Here's the part where David comes in. 

We have known each other since middle school. Young love always prevails. Of course I did not date David back then, we kissed a few times, hooked up a few more, but never called one another partners. 

Fast forward 6 years later. 

Facebook. Facebook brought us back together. Two weeks after I had sworn off men and decided to focus on myself I get a friend request coinciding with an email from David himself. Instantaneously I wanted to see him. I have always been drawn to that boys energy. So one thing led to another and we were hanging out almost every day, texting constantly. I was falling in love with him. And he wanted nothing to do with that. 

But for some reason I couldn't let go of him. I knew I needed him in my life. 

November came around and I had fallen hard. He completely swept me off my feet without me even realizing it. And with that I wanted to celebrate my 21 birthday with him and only him. Wendover was an adventure. We got drunk, lost some money, and wound up back at the right hotel at 3 am. I laid on the bed of our room and confessed to him all my secrets and the biggest one of all, that I loved him. 

2 weeks later the pregnancy test came up positive. And our lives changed in an instant. 

We didn't want to keep the baby at first. We had decided that we weren't ready for that responsibility. I called to make the appointment and I just hung up the phone after 1 ring. I couldn't deny the gift I had received. I wanted that baby even if it meant doing it alone. So I told David he could walk away, no strings attached. But he denied me. Saying he would never be the kind of man to walk away from what he created. I admired him even more for that. But that didn't mean we were in a relationship. But slowly as my belly grew our love for each other blossomed with it. And before I knew it we were looking for an apartment together. 

8 months went by. 

We had a great apartment. We were completely in love. And our baby boy was on his way. We were ready to be parents. So excited to bring Daniel into this world. Just one more month and we would have our baby at home and our family started. 

But Daniel didn't want to wait. And with one month before he was due we were in the hospital fighting for our lives. Daniel and I were very sick. Pre-eclampsia had cursed us and we were struggling to make it through the night. The next I knew I was being wheeled into an emergency C-section and Danny was born 10 minutes later. 3 pounds 13 ounces 17 inches long.

He was tiny and sick, but he was strong. After just 1 week in the hospital we brought our little boy home. Where he has grown so fast and kept me and David on our toes. 

Now here we are. Danny is 1 months old. David and I are completely in love, and starting to create a life for ourselves and our son.

David is my happily ever after. He treats me like a queen and looks at our son like he is the center of the universe. I couldn't before happy than I am right now. And it all changed within 2 years.

2 years ago I was pleading with the universe to give me a man to love and life to cherish. The universe replied in due time. And I couldn't be more thankful. 

So here is to two more.... 

May they bring just as much wonderful change as the last. And may I have the wisdom to look back and appreciate the journey. 

I'm ready

I'm ready to lay down at night and not feel the cold sheets empty next to me.

I'm ready to through away the body pillow and put away the baby blanket.

I'm struggling to convince myself that I am not ready for a relationship.

I'm tired of dreaming of the fairytale Prince Charming that will never show up on a white horse.

I'm on my knees asking for something to come along and pick me up from the pool of tears and fears and self doubt that I have trapped myself in.

I want to wash away the heavy, messy, dissatisfying past with someone warm and caring.

I'm fearful that whoever comes along wont love my scars and battle wounds from past loves and losses.

I'm trying hard to swallow the guilt I have for not being the woman worth wanting.

I still sleep with one palm ready to be held, and lips purses ready to be devoured in affection.

I want to grow as a person intertwined with a soulmate.

I don't want to find myself alone....

Because alone is the hardest part of moving on and the easiest part of losing faith.

I'm ready to find you...

The shadows I Cast

I look down at the black pavement sea and wonder how my shadow even reflects. It's black as the late night and I feel as dark as my thick silhouette.

The depression creeps in again. The fear and hatred of my own soul keeps me awake at night. Wishing to get better, wishing I didnt feel the way I do. I want to feel as free as the sun. Warm and inviting it breaks through the clouds every day, pushing through the darkness of the world and always drying the tears of the earth.

I want to feel peace again, to feel invited and understood. I want to sleep through the late hours and rise again in the morning with new hopes and dreams for the days to come.

But I wake late in the afternoon, too broken to move one leg infront of the other. I wash away the etched streaks along my raw skin, but it doesn't remove the remembrance of the sorrow I feel.

It sounds petty, sappy, pathetic even. I sound unimaginabley sad over nothing. But when I gaze around at the faces near me I see the same expressions of yearning for something new.

I plead with my own conscious to sleep. To rest until the day that I can't wake up and remember what it was that made me fight for my happiness. Because until I find the drive to get out of bed every morning, I fear I will never become anything but a limp pillow for someone to ly on.

The beginning of an end

Someone once told me to leave the place you call home is to run away from everything that you stand for. And maybe they were right, maybe leaving is just a way to hide that your scared or hurt or just tired. But does it always have to have a bad outcome.

My mom and I ran away to Moab, and it ended up being a whole new life for me. One that I owe a lot of who I am today too.

I ran away from Moab and moved to st. George to become someone worth remembering.

And now the day had come where I will run away from St. George and go back home. To the familiar and un-judging safety of family and old friends.

So has running away made me a coward all these years, or had it made me stronger and more aware of my surroundings? I would like to believe the later. I would like to think that by my constant need for change in scenery I become aware of the constant need of change in heart.

So the end of one journey begins the start of another, less known, but still important move to shape my future.

Where will I run away to next? I hope it's somewhere that can teach me how to believe in myself again.

Pride and prejudice

The movie starts, your cuddled up inside a warm blanket. The music eases in to a low hum and it resonates inside your ears, bringing you an instantaneous comfort within your chest. Your mind wanders to far away hills on the countryside, surrounded with luscious green fields and full bloomed flowers. Then your brought back to the screen where a love story so profoundly unimaginable unfolds.

All to often we are reminded that the epic love story of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth is just that, a fictional love story. Not one that could present itself in real life, especially not in this day in age. But why must I be so drawn to the tale of the search for true love.

I feel a strong sense of likeness to Lizzie from pride and prejudice, not just because she is the main
character in my favorite novel, but because I too believe that no matter how much someone tells you that love will never find you, you will always search willingly an never give up or settle on anything less.

I want to find a Darcy for myself. One that is so enthralled with me that I cannot sway him any other way. One that will never give up and will always show me that no matter how I feel he will still care.

Depression

I started to feel myself slip into depression again. Staying up late, crying myself to sleep. Dreaming of hurtful things. I hate when I get to this stage, because a no one ever notices and b no one really cares. I feel the weight of life breathing down my neck begging for me to just give up. I know I need therapy but I can't bring myself to let anyone in on the secrets that I hold. I tried to go back to church, but that only made me feel more like a failure. My life is going no where and I think that if I stay in one place any longer I'm gonna be stuck for the rest of my life. I need help. But what do you say? "I really don't have any problems, but I'll complain about my life anyways". I feel pathetic an weak and I wish I could be stronger than this.

Just a little love

I have come to realize that a lot of men look at a girls pant size before they look at her heart. When your standing at a size 13, some boys think you have too much to "offer". But I am here to say that my size doesn't make me any less attractive. I take care of myself and doll myself up almost every day. And my heart is as good as gold. If I love you I'll let you know it and I'll make sure you feel it. But I will never get that chance if someone can't look passed my exterior weight to my interior abundance of love.
I am willing to fight for what I believe in and I believe that a bigger woman is just as beautiful in her size 13 than a smaller woman is in her size 2. But a man needs to believe that there is more to life than a trophy wife. Because I have a brain and I am independent I get pushed under the rug like I can handle life on my own. But who wants to handle life on there own? Who wants to be on top when there is no one standing beside her?
I'm ready for a relationship. Or someone who can love me for me. Because in never gonna stop being independent and smart, and I'm never gonna loose the weight just so you can say I'm beautiful.

What Doesnt Kill You Makes You Stronger

What a perfect song by Kelly Clarkson. I dont think anyone could have said it better. Whenever I listen to this song I feel empowered to get up and do something about my life. Here is my advice.
1. Listen to the song
2. Get up out of bed
3. Stop feeling sorry for yourself
4. Find something that makes you happy
5. Find someone to make you laugh
6. Surround yourself with positive influences, people, place, things anything that can change you life.
7. Understand that one day everything is going to get better
8. Never give up on yourself, your dreams, and the ones you love
9. Dont forget to be thankful for everything that has gone right in your life
10. Listen to the song again......just to make sure you got the message.


You know the bed feels warmer  
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color 
 And do the things I want 
You think you got the best of me 
Think you've had the last laugh 
Bet you think that everything good is gone 
Think you left me broken down 
Think that I'd come running back  
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone 
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
 Footsteps even lighter 
 Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone 
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger 
Just me, myself and I  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
Stand a little taller 
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  

You heard that I was starting over with someone new 
 They told you I was moving on over you  
You didn't think that I'd come back I'd come back swinging 
You try to break me But you see...  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller  
 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter 
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger 
Just me, myself and I  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller 
 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone 

Thanks to you I got a new thing started 
 Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted  
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'about me  
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning In the end... 

 What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter 
Footsteps even lighter 
 Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger  
Just me, myself and I 
 What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller 
 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger 
Just me, myself and I  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

I know that life is never supposed to be easy. I know that I am only 19 and I am not supposed to wake up in the middle of the night cry, but I do. I do for so many reasons, but mostly because I just don't know who I am anymore. I feel like every chapter in my life has lead to different versions of me, completely opposite identities that have lead to one final collage of me. Everyone says when making a collage pick out the best parts of the magazine, the things that inspire you; words, photos, anything that makes you think and feel and really just anything that is pretty. So along the journey I have made a collage of myself with all the different versions of my personalities and jammed it all into one final MEAGAN LOUISE DOTY. But what does that mean? I just want to finally figure out if it all fits together..... but then again is a collage supposed to be organized and pretty? I guess my post today is just to say...I dont need to know who I am, but what I have become will always be growing with each magazine that I pick up.

For the ones we have loved

Have you ever wondered where you life has gone?
Ever flipped through a yearbook and remembered a friend you wished you could talk to again?
Ever spent a night lying in bed thinking about all the moments you took for granted?
I do, all the time. I am one of those people who ponders on past experiences to try and gain future perspective, all the while wishing I could just remain in the past.
I have had many many people influence me on who I am today, gone through numerous best friends and have spent my life searching for role models to help guide me in to the person I have become.
So today I pause to reflect on each one of the individuals, starting from as early as 5 years old on down to my 19th birthday. They may not realize what they did for me, but I know in my heart that I could never have become the Meagan Louise Doty you all know without them.

Jazzy:
We were so little, we met when we were just toddlers running around a bare patch of grass in front of our apartments, but I remember you so well because you were my first best friend. The one I will always remember walking to our first day of school together. You have now grown up and have your own beautiful family. But I still remember the girl with pigtails and overalls from kindergarten. We shared everything together, and I look back now and understand that no matter how much we fought, I could never have made it through elementary without your friendship.

Breanna:
Oh what a friendship we had. I remember the three of us doing everything together. Playing games, walking to school, laughing and crying. Yes, we still talk and I love to hear that you are doing so well, but I wish we could turn back time and be little kids on the playground again. You taught me how to be cool with who I was and that everyone deserves to have a friend. I don't remember how many people we talked to in elementary, but it seems like we always had the most fun on the swing set. I am so glad you taught me how to never be afraid to talk to someone, and I will always remember you for that.

Mrs Boss:
I wish I knew how to thank you. 6th grade would have never been the same if I wouldn't have had you to confide in. You changed my life, made me and my family realize the changes that needed to happen in order for us both to survive. I know I was so young, but you were the best teacher that I ever had.

Mathew:
Oh boy, you were my first real crush and I cannot thank you enough for letting me believe in love at such a young age.

Mrs. Ruesch:
I would have never developed my love for music if it was not for you all women's choir. I knew before seventh grade that I loved to sing, but I never understood how music could change your life forever. I realize now that through all of my toughest moments music has gotten me through, and if it was not for you I would have never been inspired to follow my dreams and believe in the power that a song could heal your soul.

Jenna:
We were so close and I don't know what happened between us to make you hate me so much. But I just want you to know that I loved having you as a friend. You showed me how to have fun again and how to really be myself. Although we did get into some trouble together, I don't think that I could have ever really understood what it meant to be free if you hadn't shown me. Thank you for taking the time to be my first friend in a place I didn't want to call home.

Lizbeth:
What an amazing summer we had! I can't remember how many times I laughed that year because of you. You lead me on so many adventures and thanks to you I will always remember what it felt like to live in the moment and never take no for an answer. I could kill for another summer like that. Long nights on the tramp, late afternoons at left hand and so many many adventure with random strangers. Thank you so much for treating me like a sister, and for being my best friend.

Morgan:
Girl we got in way to much trouble together, but at last it was something that I needed. Without you even knowing it, you saved my life. Because if it wasn't for us sinking so low together, I don't know if I would have ever made it through Moab alive. Thank you for being so tough in the face of danger and for showing me what it meant to be truly strong.

Michael:
You were my first real love, the one who made my world turn upside down. I think I ruined things between us, and for that I am really sorry. I know we were young, and it may never matter to you, but to me my affection for you is what got me through one of the toughest years of my life. I could have never understood what it meant to be cared about if it was not for the brief moments of our relationship. Thank you for showing me what love really means and for making me believe that it is okay for me to let someone in.

Rio:
Although I do not think we really truly became friends until after I moved, I cant thank you enough for being my best friend. You made me want to help people, to be the caring person that I am today. I wanted to help you find yourself like all of these people helped me find myself. I don't know if I made a difference in your life or not, but I know that you definitely inspire me to make a difference to a lot of other people. I love you for that, and I love you for always being there.

Ashlynn:
We are so much alike that it scares me sometimes. But you can make me laugh, cry, sing, scream, and feel all of the spectrum of emotions by you just walking in the door. You truly have a wonderful soul and a unique ability to listen to the things that are not spoken. Please know that you helped me believe in a pure innocence that I could have never imaged without our friendship.

Sarah:
Moving to St. George was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. But you made it worth it. Our friendship got me through a tough year and you showed me acceptance more than anyone else. You helped me turn over a new leaf, without rushing me into it. I became a better person because you allowed me the time and space to do it on my own. I will never forget our car rides and long talks because you told me it was okay to let someone know you are struggling. Thank you for always believing in the person that I could become.

Cierra:
Your kind soul and warm spirit can brighten up my mornings on any occasion. I am so glad that we are friends and that we have grown so much closer in these past few months. I love spending time with you because I truly feel like the best version of myself when I am around you. I can't understand it, but you have saved my life more than once and I am sure that you will do it again. Thank you for being there, for a distraction, for relief, and for the friend that I can always have a sleepover with and cry to sappy love shows with.

Victoria:
You are such an inspiring person. Without you I do not believe that I would have wanted to follow my dreams and try something new. You showed me that I had a whole different side that I didn't even know about. You made me want to be better by just being around you. And you still do that today. I think you are someone that is going to change the world someday, and I hope that I am there to witness it, because you helped change my life in ways that I can't even explain.

There are many many more people that have changed my life for the better, but I cant even imagine my life without these people. Thank you all for being there in the right time and the right place, because you all created a stepping stone to help me down the long pathway of life. I am a stronger, happier, healthier, more inspired person because of the influence that you all had on my life. Thank you for your words of wisdom, your hilarious moments of laughter, and for being the people I needed most in my life. I wish that one day you will all know that you have changed me, and that I could never have come to love the world if it wasn't for the moments that make me remember you forever.

The new year!

Every year around this time I wake up in a cold sweat and say okay, what are your goals this year? What are you going to do to further your dreams and create some more adventure? What can I do to make myself happy again? Not that I am not happy, but usually the holidays send a bit of sadness and a whole lot of anxiety my way. So with the big boom of the fireworks lighting up the sky I think of all the things I want to accomplish that year. Then I force them back down and tell myself its so stupid to write these things down, I just need to live my life. But as I said before I find myself days later waking up in a cold sweat, mind wandering across the universe, with a pad of paper and a pen shooting sparks out of the end as I write down everything on my mind.

But this year there was no cold sweat, no aching hands from frantically writing, no tear stained cheeks from realizing everything that went wrong the year before, nothing.

I realized that I already made my New Year's resolutions. That I already had a plan to improve my life and to create a better future for myself. I found myself being overwhelmingly proud of how far I had come in just a year. I am really pursuing my dreams and running at the chance to make something of myself. I cant tell you how ecstatic it makes me feel that I know where my life is going, well as of now. So my advice to everyone out there is to skip the wake up calls in the middle of the nights with the same questions that I ask myself every year.

Instead get up every day with the feeling like it is a new year, and your resolutions must be met. I believe that the key to success is pursue a dream like its the one thing that will make your resolutions come true.

Don't ever stop thinking that your life can be improved, spend every day making an effort to withstand the dumps that life puts us in, and create a memory for every moment you live.

1st WEEK OF COLLGE

This week was my first week of college and already I feel as if I am home again.
I walk to my classes like and it feel like I have been doing this all my life, I sit and listen to lecture and I know that somehow I have heard them before. College feels comfortable to me. It feel like I belong somewhere. Although I don't have a lot of friends yet, I already know that I am going to be successful in college. Its been an amazing week. I have gotten so much accomplished in my classes and am starting to form good routines for studying and getting things done. I'm excited to see what this year will do for me and what I can do for Dixie State College. Wish me luck!

Crossing the line

Today I came home from one of the most exciting overnight trips of my life.
I went on a retreat to the Dixie State Cabin in Pine Valley with the Theatre Majors.
It was such a fun time to be with people that were interested in the same things as me.
I met so many new faces and gained a lot of new friends, which is what I have been praying for.
But the most memorable event from this trip was an exercise that we did this morning with the dean of students from Dixie state.
It was called crossing the line. The object was that every participant would stand on one side of the line and the facilitator (dean of students) would ask a question to the whole group; if your answer was yes you would step over the line and face the participants that had not stepped over then once the question was over you would return to your original space. He started out with simple questions, ones that most people would step over then line for like "if your a male step over the line" so on and so forth. But as the session went on he got down to some harder questions, ones you had to really be honest with yourself and have courage to step over the line, questions like "if you have ever been or know someone who was abused as a child, step over the line". This game made you think and feel for everyone in the room, it allowed you to trust yourself in giving an honest answer even if it was hard, and it allowed you to trust other people in the room with secrets that no one else in the world could know. The room was completely silent for over an hour, and after the exercise was done we spoke about how we felt and what we gained from experiencing it together. It left more than a few people crying, including myself, but we also walked away with a better understand of each other, and an appreciation for the people in the department.
Crossing the line felt like you were stripping away all protection of yourself to let people in, so that they could understand you. It shocked me how much love I felt after it was over from the people that I had just barely met. We were all going through problems in our lives, whether they had happened recently or they were thing that we had left years behind us. Either way, I didnt feel alone for once. I had came to this retreat scared and feeling more alone than I had in a really long time. My best friend moved away that very morning and I was looking for a way to cope with things that were causing me depression and anxiety, but what I found was so much more than just a replacement. It was a cure, that only came with trusting myself enough to let others in.

I just want to say thank you to everyone that was there. Thank you for trusting yourself enough to let us in and for allowing me to be someone that most people have never seen. I love this department more and more every second and I cant explain how much I am looking forward to this year with you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Waving Goodbye

Waving goodbye to a friendly face

is like surrendering to a cold embrace

it’s hard to hear they are off for good

but even harder because you know they should

go out and conquer the big open spaces

to smile and live and meet friendly faces

you know that they are much better off

but you wish that this wasn’t the last stop

it truly is a bitter sweet ending

but then again maybe it’s just the beginning

you will see them again when the train comes back around

they will always be your strength to lift you off the ground

so you wave one last time as they look back at you

you hope and wish and pray that they find something new

because whatever lies ahead for you both

will never break the strongest oath

that you made to be friends forever

and no one can break that not now not ever

Mountain Top

When the air touches your face
you feel the world embrace
your soft skin collides with life
all your sorrow pain and strife
slips away with the cold breeze
you can hear the wind in the trees
but your sweat still runs hot
on top of this rock
you reflect on the climb
wishing you had more time
to breath in the valley below
because soon you must go
onto the next hill
where life is no thrill
because the top is so far
and its getting to hard
to climb with a smile
keep going the extra mile
don't stop till you reach
the valley underneath
for when you get up so high
you realize your just fine
because the reward of it all
is more than the risk of the fall
so you will climb the next mountain
stretching you limits for the fountain
of youth that we all seek
because your growing oh so weak
but your hopping to catch your breath
so you may see all the world before the valley of death.....

Hello Mr. Unknown

Have you ever sat awake at night wondering where your life has gone?
I have, I do, all the time.
One day I was walking to kindergarten and the next I was walking on a college campus.
One day I had loads of friends, and the next I was saying goodbye to each and every one of them.
One day I had love in my hands, and the next day I couldn't remember the last time I had been kissed.
This time of year is always the hardest on my dreams.
I always get so wrapped up in the "unknown"!
I lay awake at night wondering where my life is headed and why I cant just stop time.
I get crazy anxiety and cant concentrate on just breathing.
For once I want to lay down in bed and actually sleep.
I don't want to think about money, or people, or anything for that matter.
I just want to sleep.

But tonight I was laying in bed and I thought, "if I embraced the unknown then maybe I will feel better about my life"
So that is my goal for this year.
I am going to embrace Mr. Unknown because maybe if I do that then I wont feel so scared.
If I tell myself that there is nothing around the corner that I can't handle, then maybe I can come to the top of the mountain before I even realize I was climbing.

Mr. Unknown is around the next corner, but I am ready for him.

ARE YOU?

Experience

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God

do you learn.” C.S. Lewis

Sometimes there are things in life that we don't understand, things that we have to go through in order to make it to the other side. They call these things experience, but most often what we experience hurts us. Society as a whole has troubles seeing the bright side of things, or the lessons within a horrible encounter. Although its hard to find the silver lining, I have learned that there is always something waiting for us to discover even under the darkest clouds. Its easy to dwell on the negative, to forget that we have to learn something from all of this. The hard part is finding what you need out of what has happened. I never thought that loosing myself would allow me to eventually find myself. It took time and patients but it all got better, and it is still getting better every day. When I wake up in the morning and know that I am alive and have so many blessing to be thankful for it takes away all of the stuff that once made me sad.
If anyone could say it right C.S. Lewis did, you learn so much each day by sheer experience. No matter what happens there is always a lesson to rely on and an upside to hope for. Because life is not about what goes wrong, although there will be many things that do, its about the happiness you find when what when wrong turned out to be exactly what you needed. So stop crying today, and appreciate life for what it really is: a string of experience that you can either get lost in, or learn from. Choose the later, because you life, your soul, and your future depend on a brighter perspective today.

Move Over Mrs Markham

Saturday Night was my final show for Move Over Mrs. Markham.
It was the show that occupied all of my time this summer, and I truly miss it already.
I had such a good cast and crew that we had a blast every day! They are some of the sweetest people I have ever met. This experience taught me a lot about theater and where I want to go with my life. I always get scared that I am making the wrong decision by going into theater as a profession, but then the lights go up and the show starts and I feel like my world falls into place. When I hear the audience laugh and that my actors are having a good time I know that I am doing the right things. But then why am I so scared. When I was growing up I never was scared about being a lawyer or a psychologist. Those decisions never intimidated me, I felt like I would preform well in both fields of work; in fact I still feel that way. But the stage calls to me, like a whisper from the dark, and all I can ever think about is my next opportunity to work there again, no matter what I do. I just want to work in theater.
I have loved every minute of working for Dixie State College. Its been so fun and exciting that I did not want this show to end. But all shows must end, and when the curtain falls and people applaud you know you have done your job.

I know in my heart that this is right for me. I love theater with all my heart and I dont know who I would be without that realization.

Tuacahn Canyon

Tuacahn Canyon is one of the most unique places on the planet. It sits on the outskirts of IVINS Utah and is the home of both Tuacahn High School for the Performing arts and Tuacahn Amphitheatre. It is a breathtaking site when you turn the corner of Tuacahn Drive to witness the beautiful fountain that greets you when you enter the "sacred" ground. But it has not always been a place to preform, although I believe it was always destined to be such.
Orval Hafen discovered this beautiful canyon at the beginning of the 20th century, although it had most likely been explored before, Orval was one of the first men to ever build upon it.
“There before me lay a scene of indescribable beauty: wild, primitive, unspoiled, largely unknown, waiting to be enjoyed, waiting to inspire folks.” Within these “towering red sandstone cliffs,” he desired that “others [might one day] share this beauty and drink of the inspiration that is here.”-Orval Hafen
As years past this magnificent canyon was almost forgotten until in 1993 Doug Stewart came upon the land one afternoon.
"I was brought to tears when I first stood there, and after taking it in for some time – envisioning an amphitheatre and a stage with an awesome backdrop of 1,500 foot red rock cliffs, and hearing the sounds of music echoing from the canyon walls – I literally flew back to town and straight to the county recorder’s office to see who the land belonged to.”-Doug Stewart Two peoples dreams changed a community forever. Once people experienced the magic that happens in that canyon they urge for more. Its hard to forget the spirit one feels inside those red walls. Not only beautiful but peaceful.

I will never forget the first time I drove into Tuacahn, set in the middle of no where one would say that you may feel isolated, but that is exactly the point. Tuacahn takes you away from the world and lets your experience a whole new side of life, full of music and dancing and learning how to live. I walked outside of my car that day expecting to never come back, but little did I know that that very place would become my home for the next three years.

Attending Tuacahn High School changes peoples lives, not only is the school well rounded, but it creates a sense of unity and family that no other school could claim. With little to no cell service you forget the world outside for a few hours and focus on what is really important, your education and yourself. You learn to love yourself and others through activities and school curriculum. It all sounds so cheesy, but people come from all over to partake in the experience that the high school offers.
Even when the school year is over people return to the breathtaking walls of Tuacahn Canyon to remind themselves of who they are. Those walls could heal any broken spirit or any wounded soul. Its a place filled with love and equality.
Its a place so special it will stay with you forever.
So if you ever get a chance, I would advise a little dose of my home, Tuacahn Center for the Arts. It will heal your heart, even if it isn't broken.

FASHION

My style has changed a lot over the past couple of years, but i would like to believe that I have taken what I like from every category of style and applied it to my wardrobe. (which by the way nothing in my wardrobe cost over 30 bucks)
I am a smart shopper with some crazy pieces of in my collection.
I visit the DI (Deseret Industries) once a week, and sometimes I find things there that no one could ever imagine! Last week a found a pair of moccasin boots that go to my knees, these boots sell for 500 dollars online and I paid 3 for them! What a steal!
Also I hit up every possible clearance section, and a refrain from shopping in the normal parts of stores unless they are having a sale. I feel like my wardrobe has grown a lot this year and that I have a pretty good fashion sense.
I alter a lot of my own things, ripping T-shirts, hemming dresses adding fabric here and there, it all works out for me to have a unique look for the right price.
Every day I walk out of my house in something interesting and my friends always ask where I got that top, or how much did you pay for those pants. I wish they would learn to be a savvy shopper like me so that they don't waist there money on designer things that I get by just doing a little digging. Sure shopping is tedious and searching for good deals takes some time, but if your are always on the prowl deals will come to you and you can find cool things like COACH purses for under 30 bucks! its hard to believe that I have found some of the things I have, but my style woudn't be the same without them!
Now if I only had a place to put all these things..