1st WEEK OF COLLGE

This week was my first week of college and already I feel as if I am home again.
I walk to my classes like and it feel like I have been doing this all my life, I sit and listen to lecture and I know that somehow I have heard them before. College feels comfortable to me. It feel like I belong somewhere. Although I don't have a lot of friends yet, I already know that I am going to be successful in college. Its been an amazing week. I have gotten so much accomplished in my classes and am starting to form good routines for studying and getting things done. I'm excited to see what this year will do for me and what I can do for Dixie State College. Wish me luck!

Crossing the line

Today I came home from one of the most exciting overnight trips of my life.
I went on a retreat to the Dixie State Cabin in Pine Valley with the Theatre Majors.
It was such a fun time to be with people that were interested in the same things as me.
I met so many new faces and gained a lot of new friends, which is what I have been praying for.
But the most memorable event from this trip was an exercise that we did this morning with the dean of students from Dixie state.
It was called crossing the line. The object was that every participant would stand on one side of the line and the facilitator (dean of students) would ask a question to the whole group; if your answer was yes you would step over the line and face the participants that had not stepped over then once the question was over you would return to your original space. He started out with simple questions, ones that most people would step over then line for like "if your a male step over the line" so on and so forth. But as the session went on he got down to some harder questions, ones you had to really be honest with yourself and have courage to step over the line, questions like "if you have ever been or know someone who was abused as a child, step over the line". This game made you think and feel for everyone in the room, it allowed you to trust yourself in giving an honest answer even if it was hard, and it allowed you to trust other people in the room with secrets that no one else in the world could know. The room was completely silent for over an hour, and after the exercise was done we spoke about how we felt and what we gained from experiencing it together. It left more than a few people crying, including myself, but we also walked away with a better understand of each other, and an appreciation for the people in the department.
Crossing the line felt like you were stripping away all protection of yourself to let people in, so that they could understand you. It shocked me how much love I felt after it was over from the people that I had just barely met. We were all going through problems in our lives, whether they had happened recently or they were thing that we had left years behind us. Either way, I didnt feel alone for once. I had came to this retreat scared and feeling more alone than I had in a really long time. My best friend moved away that very morning and I was looking for a way to cope with things that were causing me depression and anxiety, but what I found was so much more than just a replacement. It was a cure, that only came with trusting myself enough to let others in.

I just want to say thank you to everyone that was there. Thank you for trusting yourself enough to let us in and for allowing me to be someone that most people have never seen. I love this department more and more every second and I cant explain how much I am looking forward to this year with you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Waving Goodbye

Waving goodbye to a friendly face

is like surrendering to a cold embrace

it’s hard to hear they are off for good

but even harder because you know they should

go out and conquer the big open spaces

to smile and live and meet friendly faces

you know that they are much better off

but you wish that this wasn’t the last stop

it truly is a bitter sweet ending

but then again maybe it’s just the beginning

you will see them again when the train comes back around

they will always be your strength to lift you off the ground

so you wave one last time as they look back at you

you hope and wish and pray that they find something new

because whatever lies ahead for you both

will never break the strongest oath

that you made to be friends forever

and no one can break that not now not ever

Mountain Top

When the air touches your face
you feel the world embrace
your soft skin collides with life
all your sorrow pain and strife
slips away with the cold breeze
you can hear the wind in the trees
but your sweat still runs hot
on top of this rock
you reflect on the climb
wishing you had more time
to breath in the valley below
because soon you must go
onto the next hill
where life is no thrill
because the top is so far
and its getting to hard
to climb with a smile
keep going the extra mile
don't stop till you reach
the valley underneath
for when you get up so high
you realize your just fine
because the reward of it all
is more than the risk of the fall
so you will climb the next mountain
stretching you limits for the fountain
of youth that we all seek
because your growing oh so weak
but your hopping to catch your breath
so you may see all the world before the valley of death.....

Hello Mr. Unknown

Have you ever sat awake at night wondering where your life has gone?
I have, I do, all the time.
One day I was walking to kindergarten and the next I was walking on a college campus.
One day I had loads of friends, and the next I was saying goodbye to each and every one of them.
One day I had love in my hands, and the next day I couldn't remember the last time I had been kissed.
This time of year is always the hardest on my dreams.
I always get so wrapped up in the "unknown"!
I lay awake at night wondering where my life is headed and why I cant just stop time.
I get crazy anxiety and cant concentrate on just breathing.
For once I want to lay down in bed and actually sleep.
I don't want to think about money, or people, or anything for that matter.
I just want to sleep.

But tonight I was laying in bed and I thought, "if I embraced the unknown then maybe I will feel better about my life"
So that is my goal for this year.
I am going to embrace Mr. Unknown because maybe if I do that then I wont feel so scared.
If I tell myself that there is nothing around the corner that I can't handle, then maybe I can come to the top of the mountain before I even realize I was climbing.

Mr. Unknown is around the next corner, but I am ready for him.

ARE YOU?

Experience

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God

do you learn.” C.S. Lewis

Sometimes there are things in life that we don't understand, things that we have to go through in order to make it to the other side. They call these things experience, but most often what we experience hurts us. Society as a whole has troubles seeing the bright side of things, or the lessons within a horrible encounter. Although its hard to find the silver lining, I have learned that there is always something waiting for us to discover even under the darkest clouds. Its easy to dwell on the negative, to forget that we have to learn something from all of this. The hard part is finding what you need out of what has happened. I never thought that loosing myself would allow me to eventually find myself. It took time and patients but it all got better, and it is still getting better every day. When I wake up in the morning and know that I am alive and have so many blessing to be thankful for it takes away all of the stuff that once made me sad.
If anyone could say it right C.S. Lewis did, you learn so much each day by sheer experience. No matter what happens there is always a lesson to rely on and an upside to hope for. Because life is not about what goes wrong, although there will be many things that do, its about the happiness you find when what when wrong turned out to be exactly what you needed. So stop crying today, and appreciate life for what it really is: a string of experience that you can either get lost in, or learn from. Choose the later, because you life, your soul, and your future depend on a brighter perspective today.

Move Over Mrs Markham

Saturday Night was my final show for Move Over Mrs. Markham.
It was the show that occupied all of my time this summer, and I truly miss it already.
I had such a good cast and crew that we had a blast every day! They are some of the sweetest people I have ever met. This experience taught me a lot about theater and where I want to go with my life. I always get scared that I am making the wrong decision by going into theater as a profession, but then the lights go up and the show starts and I feel like my world falls into place. When I hear the audience laugh and that my actors are having a good time I know that I am doing the right things. But then why am I so scared. When I was growing up I never was scared about being a lawyer or a psychologist. Those decisions never intimidated me, I felt like I would preform well in both fields of work; in fact I still feel that way. But the stage calls to me, like a whisper from the dark, and all I can ever think about is my next opportunity to work there again, no matter what I do. I just want to work in theater.
I have loved every minute of working for Dixie State College. Its been so fun and exciting that I did not want this show to end. But all shows must end, and when the curtain falls and people applaud you know you have done your job.

I know in my heart that this is right for me. I love theater with all my heart and I dont know who I would be without that realization.

Tuacahn Canyon

Tuacahn Canyon is one of the most unique places on the planet. It sits on the outskirts of IVINS Utah and is the home of both Tuacahn High School for the Performing arts and Tuacahn Amphitheatre. It is a breathtaking site when you turn the corner of Tuacahn Drive to witness the beautiful fountain that greets you when you enter the "sacred" ground. But it has not always been a place to preform, although I believe it was always destined to be such.
Orval Hafen discovered this beautiful canyon at the beginning of the 20th century, although it had most likely been explored before, Orval was one of the first men to ever build upon it.
“There before me lay a scene of indescribable beauty: wild, primitive, unspoiled, largely unknown, waiting to be enjoyed, waiting to inspire folks.” Within these “towering red sandstone cliffs,” he desired that “others [might one day] share this beauty and drink of the inspiration that is here.”-Orval Hafen
As years past this magnificent canyon was almost forgotten until in 1993 Doug Stewart came upon the land one afternoon.
"I was brought to tears when I first stood there, and after taking it in for some time – envisioning an amphitheatre and a stage with an awesome backdrop of 1,500 foot red rock cliffs, and hearing the sounds of music echoing from the canyon walls – I literally flew back to town and straight to the county recorder’s office to see who the land belonged to.”-Doug Stewart Two peoples dreams changed a community forever. Once people experienced the magic that happens in that canyon they urge for more. Its hard to forget the spirit one feels inside those red walls. Not only beautiful but peaceful.

I will never forget the first time I drove into Tuacahn, set in the middle of no where one would say that you may feel isolated, but that is exactly the point. Tuacahn takes you away from the world and lets your experience a whole new side of life, full of music and dancing and learning how to live. I walked outside of my car that day expecting to never come back, but little did I know that that very place would become my home for the next three years.

Attending Tuacahn High School changes peoples lives, not only is the school well rounded, but it creates a sense of unity and family that no other school could claim. With little to no cell service you forget the world outside for a few hours and focus on what is really important, your education and yourself. You learn to love yourself and others through activities and school curriculum. It all sounds so cheesy, but people come from all over to partake in the experience that the high school offers.
Even when the school year is over people return to the breathtaking walls of Tuacahn Canyon to remind themselves of who they are. Those walls could heal any broken spirit or any wounded soul. Its a place filled with love and equality.
Its a place so special it will stay with you forever.
So if you ever get a chance, I would advise a little dose of my home, Tuacahn Center for the Arts. It will heal your heart, even if it isn't broken.

FASHION

My style has changed a lot over the past couple of years, but i would like to believe that I have taken what I like from every category of style and applied it to my wardrobe. (which by the way nothing in my wardrobe cost over 30 bucks)
I am a smart shopper with some crazy pieces of in my collection.
I visit the DI (Deseret Industries) once a week, and sometimes I find things there that no one could ever imagine! Last week a found a pair of moccasin boots that go to my knees, these boots sell for 500 dollars online and I paid 3 for them! What a steal!
Also I hit up every possible clearance section, and a refrain from shopping in the normal parts of stores unless they are having a sale. I feel like my wardrobe has grown a lot this year and that I have a pretty good fashion sense.
I alter a lot of my own things, ripping T-shirts, hemming dresses adding fabric here and there, it all works out for me to have a unique look for the right price.
Every day I walk out of my house in something interesting and my friends always ask where I got that top, or how much did you pay for those pants. I wish they would learn to be a savvy shopper like me so that they don't waist there money on designer things that I get by just doing a little digging. Sure shopping is tedious and searching for good deals takes some time, but if your are always on the prowl deals will come to you and you can find cool things like COACH purses for under 30 bucks! its hard to believe that I have found some of the things I have, but my style woudn't be the same without them!
Now if I only had a place to put all these things..

Goodbye

Merriam-Websters defines the word "goodbye" as being a concluding remark or gesture at parting, but if you have ever had to use the word you know its easier said than done.

Goodbye doesn't just mean you are leaving, it can mean that you are moving forward or that you are releasing a part of yourself. Goodbye can mean letting go of old feelings, or even people. But at every sincere goodbye, there is a person crying.
Its hard to let things go, whether that thing is someone you love, or whether it is just a secret you have been holding on to for way to long. Whatever it is you meet a crossroad where you can either carry on with it forever or leave it far behind you so that you can move forward.
Every stage of our lives ends in a parting of sorts. When you are young you part with the fiction to succumb to reality. When you move on into your early teens you part with your innocence and try new things, no necessarily bad things, just new. When you leave high school you part with old friends, whom you may never see again, you part with a life of simplicity that you once thought was complicated. The list could go on and on of things we part with every day.
But do we ever stop to say goodbye. To look back and give ourselves closure in a chapter, that may or may not have been happy, is to find peace in moving forward.
You can never move on without saying goodbye first.
Your goodbye may not be a person, it may be an attitude, or a possession, but whatever it is that you need to say goodbye to, let it be a happy goodbye.
Let yourself relish in the feelings of the good times and simply let go of everything else. Because a simple goodbye is not forgetting it happened, but letting yourself love enough to embrace the future.
The future is always waiting for us, it just take that simple word to let yourself believe it is possible.

Goodbye isn't just a word anymore...but an action of compassion.

Katy Perry - Thinking Of You Official Acoustic Version {HQ} RARE!!!

I love this song so much.
It reminds me of all the times that we were together.
I have never gotten over you and every time I am with someone else I cant get you out of my head. I wish that I could let you go. But its been so hard to understand how I am not good enough for you. I really think I am worth it, but apparently I am not. To be honest I don't think you will every know about how I feel about you. I know you have moved on, you did a long time ago. But I'm still here waiting for you to realize what your missing.
Just listen for a minute... just listen to what it says. Please just here me....


Lyrics | Katy Perry lyrics - Thinking Of You lyrics

Bio Life Plasma Center

So today I was asked by yet another local vendor about my Biolife experience, so I decided to share my experience with everyone not just when people ask.
Biolife Plasma Center is a place where you donate plasma in exchange for money.
I know it sounds like you are selling your body but really it is much more important than that.

Here are a few common questions about donating plasma

1. What is plasma?

• A: Plasma is the pale yellow liquid portion of your blood that can be easily replaced by the body. It consists mainly of water and proteins which help your body control bleeding and infection. Your blood is 57% plasma, with 90 % of plasma being water and 10% being electrolytes(salt) and proteins.

2. How is plasma extracted?

• A: Plasma is extracted from your central veins in your arm (veins around your inner elbow) and filtered through a special machine that separates your plasma from your white and red blood cells. It then places the plasma in a bag and filters your blood back into your veins along with an anti coagulant. It sounds more complicated than it really is, the machine does all of the work, all that you do is sit there and pump your fist (to enhance the blood flow) with a needle in your arm that is connected to a tube (sorta like an IV).

• A: Plasma is being used all around the world to help save lives. Currently plasma is being used to treat disorders such as hemophilia and immune system deficiencies. Plasma is also being used to make products that help treat diseases such as hepatitis B, Tetanus, Rabies, and Measles. Hospitals and emergency rooms use plasma to treat traumatic injuries such as shock an severe burns.
  

4. Who is eligible to Donate plasma?

• You must be 18 years or older to donate plasma, weigh3. How is plasma used? at least 110 pounds and pass all other required donor eligibility criteria. You will undergo a series of important questions every time you enter the plasma center to be sure that you are a clean and safe donor, not only for the safety of those receiving your plasma, but for your safety as well.
  

5. Does it hurt to donate plasma? (the question asked most often)

• If you are severely afraid of needles, then yes it is going to hurt/bother you to donate plasma. But on a regular basis, donating plasma does not hurt as much as you would think. It is very simple have the needle placed in your arm and the professionals spend a lot of time perfecting their technique so that your "stick" will be as comfortable and painless as possible. After you are "stuck" it is virtual no pain at all!
  

6. Compensation?

• I get paid 20 bucks on my first visit of the week, and 35 on my second. It is a great way to earn an extra bit of cash and save a life in the process, it does take a good amount of time to donate plasma(around an hour and a half average), but it is worth it to you and to the person you are helping heal.

I donate plasma because I feel that I can help save a life, or benefit one in some way. Yes, I do get compensated for my efforts, but I know that what I am doing is for a good cause. No pain, no gain my mom always said. If you want this world to be a better place, it must start with you. So if you are eligible go donate today!Just google it to find a plasma center near you, they may not all be called bio life and may not have the same requirements as my center does, so know your stuff before you donate.

Tuacahn Amphitheater's Little Mermaid

Last night I went and saw Little Mermaid at the Tuacahn Amphitheater in St. George Utah.
Tuacahn Center for the Arts puts on a few musicals every year, and each year they grow more extravagant and beautiful! But they really outdid themselves on the this one! Coming from a theater geek I really enjoyed this classic tale of a little mermaid that would give anything to live on land and to marry prince Eric, even her voice.
The Tuacahn stage is an outdoor theater so they have some troubles coming up with different techniques to make the play seem as realistic as possible. Like using a fly system to move the actors around in the air, or flooding the stage to make it seem like the boat was really on water. But my favorite technique was the water curtain that they projected images of water and other psychedelic images upon. It really created the scene of an underwater world.
My second favorite thing about tuacahn is they have an amazing costume crew that creates some pretty unique ways to portray different characters, such as the mermaids. An interesting thing about the stage is that you cant really move if you have fins. So the costume crew created outfits that mad it look like they had fins, but they could still move around on stage very easily.
Let me tell you, this year the costume crew really hit a home run when they created Ursulas costume and her eel minions. They went all out on Ursula's costume, using a jazz scooter (the motor wheel chairs) to move her around the set. Then when her eel minions came out on stage they had florescent lights attached to their costumes like scales! Every time they got excited or "shocked" someone the lights would flicker a different color like blue or purple to cause an amazing lighting effect!! Every costume had purpose and bright colors that glowed in the dark when the black lights came on for certain scenes. It all look so spectacular that I wondered how they came up with such ideas for the costumes.
To continue the list of how brilliant this show was we move on to the set!
Their set was incredible piece of art, from the coral reef under the "sea" to the brilliant ship up on land it was truly a masterpiece. each piece moved in with such grace that you had no time to worry about the set changes or to forget that you were not really in the little mermaid land. I could not believe how big the pieces were and how much they moved them!! But none the less they carried on the show with such elegance that you would never think that anything could go wrong. (Of course things always go wrong in theater)
Every aspect of this show was done to the extreme, but it mad to be one impeccable piece of art that I would see over and over again! In fact I might go again next week.

So if you live in the Southern Utah area, or are willing to travel for a beautiful piece of theatrical artwork; I would recommend coming to see Tuacahn Amphitheater's Little Mermaid.
Call in fast because I was told that they have had 16 consecutive sell outs just this month!

A day at the lake

Today the girls and I went to Gunlock Reservoir for a bit of a swim and a nice suntan!
The girls (Cierra, Noelle, and Alexsis) and I spend a lot of time together!
They are my confidants, my advisers, my fashion experts, my smile crew, they are my best friends. They are the ones that I can count on when the day is rough and I just need a smile and a laugh.
Anyway I love these girls and I had a great day with them, even when it started pouring rain on our way home. Its just been one of those moments that I am grateful to be here today with these girls, share one of the last summers together and living our lives out for each other.

“When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there”

A NEW perspective

Today I received a new perspective about life.

I know that just yesterday I was complaining about all the stuff that is going wrong in my life, or about things that were bothering me, but I have so so much to be thankful for!
In the past three years my entire life has changed and it is all because I let myself believe in something that was so powerful that I couldn't deny it!
I found my Heavenly Father.
Today I spent some quality time on the temple grounds in St. George, and it was the most peaceful place I have ever been to. The moment I stepped into the gated area of the temple grounds I felt at home. I felt loved. I knew that my Heavenly Father was looking down on me and explaining to me that this is where I belong, and that He has given me so much in the past three years.
I realized that I have so much to be thankful for.

• I have a family that loves me and supports me in everything that I do.

• I have friends that love to spend time with me and trust me.

• I have opportunities that most people will never see in their entire life!

• I have mentors that respect and support me with my decisions.

• I have a brother that has decided to change his life, and that is all I have ever wanted.

• I have a mother that is finally happy with herself!

• I have a father that loves me and would do anything for me to be happy, like moving across the state so that he can be there for my senior year.
  

• I have wonderful qualities about myself that make my life easier to live.

This list could go on for hours. Not that I am self absorbed or anything. I just realized that I have a lot more to be thankful for than to fret about. Not only did my Heavenly Father help me see that, but so did my friends and family. Thank you all for the love and kindness you give me every day. From now on I will be looking forward. From now on I will only look up upon the horizon of my future. Because I am worth the wait and because my happiness is not worth the stress.

One Rainy Night

So last night I was hanging out with my best friend Cierra and it started pouring rain. I mean like golf ball size rain drops. She gets this amazing idea to go and dance in the rain. So I agree, and it was a blast! We ran to our best friend Noelle's house and played with her and a bunch of our other friends. When the night was over I took the walk around the block to my house in the pouring rain and just thought about how the rain refreshes us. It can take an ordinary day and make it into a beautiful night. It can make any mistake in our land wash away and appear as if it never happened.
So cant the same be said about our lives. Cant rain just wash away all the bad and make our world seem just a little cleaner? Well while I was thinking about all of this I began to write a poem in my head. So here it is. I hope you like it.


it starts out slow
almost nothing
a drop in the sky
a black cloud of gloom
then the wind starts to twirl
and my heart starts to beat
a drop on my skin
and then it all begins

i comb through my hair
feel the coldness of the breeze
smell the wet in the air
and hear the wind in the trees
if this rain can heal the earth
why cant it heal our hurt

please kiss me in the rain
when the sun comes out
the hurt will come back again
please touch my wet skin
and erase this pain within
when the brightness shins
I feel your not mine
the hot dry air
shows me you dont really care

So please kiss me in the rain
to take away all my pain.

Oh how time flies

I went a whole year without posting something!
Now my senior year is over and what an incredible time it was.
I am now participating in the summer show, Move over Mrs. Markham, at dixie state college.
It really is an amazing experience, and I have learned so much from it!
But my life right now is not working so well.
Some say I have so much to be thankful for, and while that is true, I still wish I had more.
Here is a list of all the things that are on my mind right now, things that I just need to get out.

1. I am trying every day to find a job, and sometimes it just makes me so sad that I just never want to get out of bed!
2. I am trying to figure out college and what I should major in, and that in itself is just a mess. I want so badly to major in theater, but I have a feeling that those around me would rather me go into something more conventional, like psychology or something.
3. I see all my friends with serious boyfriends, or even just someone that is interested in him. I cannot believe that I am still single. I have so much to offer someone. I may not be skinny, and I may not be that beautiful, but I believe that I am worth it. So why cant anyone else see that?
4. I lost a bit of friends this year. Not that it was their fault. It was really all me. I became someone that involves themselves a lot in things that I used to never care about, fashion, drama, I dont know just things that made it hard to keep friends. Not to mention that senior year is the worst year. Its all about saying goodbye to the people, because in all honesty I probably will not see 40% of them ever again.
5. I wish I could get that one person out of my head, he has been there for over 3 years now and I feel like he will never leave. I always tell people to move on, so why can I not take my own advice?
6. I need to move out, I am ready to move on with my own life, but every time I find someone that may be able to go in with me for an apartment, they change their mind. I am so disappointed, I just need out of here so bad. Its not that I dont love my aunt and uncle, and I am so thankful for everything they have given me, but sometimes I feel like I am still fifteen!

My life is pretty great I must say, I have a future, a family, great friends, opportunities that tons of people will never have, and I had the most amazing senior year, but somehow I still feel like things are missing. Time really does fly when things are going so well. so maybe I should stop complaining and just look at the bright side of things.