I'm ready

I'm ready to lay down at night and not feel the cold sheets empty next to me.

I'm ready to through away the body pillow and put away the baby blanket.

I'm struggling to convince myself that I am not ready for a relationship.

I'm tired of dreaming of the fairytale Prince Charming that will never show up on a white horse.

I'm on my knees asking for something to come along and pick me up from the pool of tears and fears and self doubt that I have trapped myself in.

I want to wash away the heavy, messy, dissatisfying past with someone warm and caring.

I'm fearful that whoever comes along wont love my scars and battle wounds from past loves and losses.

I'm trying hard to swallow the guilt I have for not being the woman worth wanting.

I still sleep with one palm ready to be held, and lips purses ready to be devoured in affection.

I want to grow as a person intertwined with a soulmate.

I don't want to find myself alone....

Because alone is the hardest part of moving on and the easiest part of losing faith.

I'm ready to find you...

The shadows I Cast

I look down at the black pavement sea and wonder how my shadow even reflects. It's black as the late night and I feel as dark as my thick silhouette.

The depression creeps in again. The fear and hatred of my own soul keeps me awake at night. Wishing to get better, wishing I didnt feel the way I do. I want to feel as free as the sun. Warm and inviting it breaks through the clouds every day, pushing through the darkness of the world and always drying the tears of the earth.

I want to feel peace again, to feel invited and understood. I want to sleep through the late hours and rise again in the morning with new hopes and dreams for the days to come.

But I wake late in the afternoon, too broken to move one leg infront of the other. I wash away the etched streaks along my raw skin, but it doesn't remove the remembrance of the sorrow I feel.

It sounds petty, sappy, pathetic even. I sound unimaginabley sad over nothing. But when I gaze around at the faces near me I see the same expressions of yearning for something new.

I plead with my own conscious to sleep. To rest until the day that I can't wake up and remember what it was that made me fight for my happiness. Because until I find the drive to get out of bed every morning, I fear I will never become anything but a limp pillow for someone to ly on.

The beginning of an end

Someone once told me to leave the place you call home is to run away from everything that you stand for. And maybe they were right, maybe leaving is just a way to hide that your scared or hurt or just tired. But does it always have to have a bad outcome.

My mom and I ran away to Moab, and it ended up being a whole new life for me. One that I owe a lot of who I am today too.

I ran away from Moab and moved to st. George to become someone worth remembering.

And now the day had come where I will run away from St. George and go back home. To the familiar and un-judging safety of family and old friends.

So has running away made me a coward all these years, or had it made me stronger and more aware of my surroundings? I would like to believe the later. I would like to think that by my constant need for change in scenery I become aware of the constant need of change in heart.

So the end of one journey begins the start of another, less known, but still important move to shape my future.

Where will I run away to next? I hope it's somewhere that can teach me how to believe in myself again.

Pride and prejudice

The movie starts, your cuddled up inside a warm blanket. The music eases in to a low hum and it resonates inside your ears, bringing you an instantaneous comfort within your chest. Your mind wanders to far away hills on the countryside, surrounded with luscious green fields and full bloomed flowers. Then your brought back to the screen where a love story so profoundly unimaginable unfolds.

All to often we are reminded that the epic love story of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth is just that, a fictional love story. Not one that could present itself in real life, especially not in this day in age. But why must I be so drawn to the tale of the search for true love.

I feel a strong sense of likeness to Lizzie from pride and prejudice, not just because she is the main
character in my favorite novel, but because I too believe that no matter how much someone tells you that love will never find you, you will always search willingly an never give up or settle on anything less.

I want to find a Darcy for myself. One that is so enthralled with me that I cannot sway him any other way. One that will never give up and will always show me that no matter how I feel he will still care.

Depression

I started to feel myself slip into depression again. Staying up late, crying myself to sleep. Dreaming of hurtful things. I hate when I get to this stage, because a no one ever notices and b no one really cares. I feel the weight of life breathing down my neck begging for me to just give up. I know I need therapy but I can't bring myself to let anyone in on the secrets that I hold. I tried to go back to church, but that only made me feel more like a failure. My life is going no where and I think that if I stay in one place any longer I'm gonna be stuck for the rest of my life. I need help. But what do you say? "I really don't have any problems, but I'll complain about my life anyways". I feel pathetic an weak and I wish I could be stronger than this.

Just a little love

I have come to realize that a lot of men look at a girls pant size before they look at her heart. When your standing at a size 13, some boys think you have too much to "offer". But I am here to say that my size doesn't make me any less attractive. I take care of myself and doll myself up almost every day. And my heart is as good as gold. If I love you I'll let you know it and I'll make sure you feel it. But I will never get that chance if someone can't look passed my exterior weight to my interior abundance of love.
I am willing to fight for what I believe in and I believe that a bigger woman is just as beautiful in her size 13 than a smaller woman is in her size 2. But a man needs to believe that there is more to life than a trophy wife. Because I have a brain and I am independent I get pushed under the rug like I can handle life on my own. But who wants to handle life on there own? Who wants to be on top when there is no one standing beside her?
I'm ready for a relationship. Or someone who can love me for me. Because in never gonna stop being independent and smart, and I'm never gonna loose the weight just so you can say I'm beautiful.

What Doesnt Kill You Makes You Stronger

What a perfect song by Kelly Clarkson. I dont think anyone could have said it better. Whenever I listen to this song I feel empowered to get up and do something about my life. Here is my advice.
1. Listen to the song
2. Get up out of bed
3. Stop feeling sorry for yourself
4. Find something that makes you happy
5. Find someone to make you laugh
6. Surround yourself with positive influences, people, place, things anything that can change you life.
7. Understand that one day everything is going to get better
8. Never give up on yourself, your dreams, and the ones you love
9. Dont forget to be thankful for everything that has gone right in your life
10. Listen to the song again......just to make sure you got the message.


You know the bed feels warmer  
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color 
 And do the things I want 
You think you got the best of me 
Think you've had the last laugh 
Bet you think that everything good is gone 
Think you left me broken down 
Think that I'd come running back  
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone 
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
 Footsteps even lighter 
 Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone 
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger 
Just me, myself and I  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
Stand a little taller 
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  

You heard that I was starting over with someone new 
 They told you I was moving on over you  
You didn't think that I'd come back I'd come back swinging 
You try to break me But you see...  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller  
 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter 
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger 
Just me, myself and I  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller 
 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone 

Thanks to you I got a new thing started 
 Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted  
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'about me  
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning In the end... 

 What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter 
Footsteps even lighter 
 Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger  
Just me, myself and I 
 What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller 
 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger 
Just me, myself and I  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

I know that life is never supposed to be easy. I know that I am only 19 and I am not supposed to wake up in the middle of the night cry, but I do. I do for so many reasons, but mostly because I just don't know who I am anymore. I feel like every chapter in my life has lead to different versions of me, completely opposite identities that have lead to one final collage of me. Everyone says when making a collage pick out the best parts of the magazine, the things that inspire you; words, photos, anything that makes you think and feel and really just anything that is pretty. So along the journey I have made a collage of myself with all the different versions of my personalities and jammed it all into one final MEAGAN LOUISE DOTY. But what does that mean? I just want to finally figure out if it all fits together..... but then again is a collage supposed to be organized and pretty? I guess my post today is just to say...I dont need to know who I am, but what I have become will always be growing with each magazine that I pick up.

For the ones we have loved

Have you ever wondered where you life has gone?
Ever flipped through a yearbook and remembered a friend you wished you could talk to again?
Ever spent a night lying in bed thinking about all the moments you took for granted?
I do, all the time. I am one of those people who ponders on past experiences to try and gain future perspective, all the while wishing I could just remain in the past.
I have had many many people influence me on who I am today, gone through numerous best friends and have spent my life searching for role models to help guide me in to the person I have become.
So today I pause to reflect on each one of the individuals, starting from as early as 5 years old on down to my 19th birthday. They may not realize what they did for me, but I know in my heart that I could never have become the Meagan Louise Doty you all know without them.

Jazzy:
We were so little, we met when we were just toddlers running around a bare patch of grass in front of our apartments, but I remember you so well because you were my first best friend. The one I will always remember walking to our first day of school together. You have now grown up and have your own beautiful family. But I still remember the girl with pigtails and overalls from kindergarten. We shared everything together, and I look back now and understand that no matter how much we fought, I could never have made it through elementary without your friendship.

Breanna:
Oh what a friendship we had. I remember the three of us doing everything together. Playing games, walking to school, laughing and crying. Yes, we still talk and I love to hear that you are doing so well, but I wish we could turn back time and be little kids on the playground again. You taught me how to be cool with who I was and that everyone deserves to have a friend. I don't remember how many people we talked to in elementary, but it seems like we always had the most fun on the swing set. I am so glad you taught me how to never be afraid to talk to someone, and I will always remember you for that.

Mrs Boss:
I wish I knew how to thank you. 6th grade would have never been the same if I wouldn't have had you to confide in. You changed my life, made me and my family realize the changes that needed to happen in order for us both to survive. I know I was so young, but you were the best teacher that I ever had.

Mathew:
Oh boy, you were my first real crush and I cannot thank you enough for letting me believe in love at such a young age.

Mrs. Ruesch:
I would have never developed my love for music if it was not for you all women's choir. I knew before seventh grade that I loved to sing, but I never understood how music could change your life forever. I realize now that through all of my toughest moments music has gotten me through, and if it was not for you I would have never been inspired to follow my dreams and believe in the power that a song could heal your soul.

Jenna:
We were so close and I don't know what happened between us to make you hate me so much. But I just want you to know that I loved having you as a friend. You showed me how to have fun again and how to really be myself. Although we did get into some trouble together, I don't think that I could have ever really understood what it meant to be free if you hadn't shown me. Thank you for taking the time to be my first friend in a place I didn't want to call home.

Lizbeth:
What an amazing summer we had! I can't remember how many times I laughed that year because of you. You lead me on so many adventures and thanks to you I will always remember what it felt like to live in the moment and never take no for an answer. I could kill for another summer like that. Long nights on the tramp, late afternoons at left hand and so many many adventure with random strangers. Thank you so much for treating me like a sister, and for being my best friend.

Morgan:
Girl we got in way to much trouble together, but at last it was something that I needed. Without you even knowing it, you saved my life. Because if it wasn't for us sinking so low together, I don't know if I would have ever made it through Moab alive. Thank you for being so tough in the face of danger and for showing me what it meant to be truly strong.

Michael:
You were my first real love, the one who made my world turn upside down. I think I ruined things between us, and for that I am really sorry. I know we were young, and it may never matter to you, but to me my affection for you is what got me through one of the toughest years of my life. I could have never understood what it meant to be cared about if it was not for the brief moments of our relationship. Thank you for showing me what love really means and for making me believe that it is okay for me to let someone in.

Rio:
Although I do not think we really truly became friends until after I moved, I cant thank you enough for being my best friend. You made me want to help people, to be the caring person that I am today. I wanted to help you find yourself like all of these people helped me find myself. I don't know if I made a difference in your life or not, but I know that you definitely inspire me to make a difference to a lot of other people. I love you for that, and I love you for always being there.

Ashlynn:
We are so much alike that it scares me sometimes. But you can make me laugh, cry, sing, scream, and feel all of the spectrum of emotions by you just walking in the door. You truly have a wonderful soul and a unique ability to listen to the things that are not spoken. Please know that you helped me believe in a pure innocence that I could have never imaged without our friendship.

Sarah:
Moving to St. George was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. But you made it worth it. Our friendship got me through a tough year and you showed me acceptance more than anyone else. You helped me turn over a new leaf, without rushing me into it. I became a better person because you allowed me the time and space to do it on my own. I will never forget our car rides and long talks because you told me it was okay to let someone know you are struggling. Thank you for always believing in the person that I could become.

Cierra:
Your kind soul and warm spirit can brighten up my mornings on any occasion. I am so glad that we are friends and that we have grown so much closer in these past few months. I love spending time with you because I truly feel like the best version of myself when I am around you. I can't understand it, but you have saved my life more than once and I am sure that you will do it again. Thank you for being there, for a distraction, for relief, and for the friend that I can always have a sleepover with and cry to sappy love shows with.

Victoria:
You are such an inspiring person. Without you I do not believe that I would have wanted to follow my dreams and try something new. You showed me that I had a whole different side that I didn't even know about. You made me want to be better by just being around you. And you still do that today. I think you are someone that is going to change the world someday, and I hope that I am there to witness it, because you helped change my life in ways that I can't even explain.

There are many many more people that have changed my life for the better, but I cant even imagine my life without these people. Thank you all for being there in the right time and the right place, because you all created a stepping stone to help me down the long pathway of life. I am a stronger, happier, healthier, more inspired person because of the influence that you all had on my life. Thank you for your words of wisdom, your hilarious moments of laughter, and for being the people I needed most in my life. I wish that one day you will all know that you have changed me, and that I could never have come to love the world if it wasn't for the moments that make me remember you forever.

The new year!

Every year around this time I wake up in a cold sweat and say okay, what are your goals this year? What are you going to do to further your dreams and create some more adventure? What can I do to make myself happy again? Not that I am not happy, but usually the holidays send a bit of sadness and a whole lot of anxiety my way. So with the big boom of the fireworks lighting up the sky I think of all the things I want to accomplish that year. Then I force them back down and tell myself its so stupid to write these things down, I just need to live my life. But as I said before I find myself days later waking up in a cold sweat, mind wandering across the universe, with a pad of paper and a pen shooting sparks out of the end as I write down everything on my mind.

But this year there was no cold sweat, no aching hands from frantically writing, no tear stained cheeks from realizing everything that went wrong the year before, nothing.

I realized that I already made my New Year's resolutions. That I already had a plan to improve my life and to create a better future for myself. I found myself being overwhelmingly proud of how far I had come in just a year. I am really pursuing my dreams and running at the chance to make something of myself. I cant tell you how ecstatic it makes me feel that I know where my life is going, well as of now. So my advice to everyone out there is to skip the wake up calls in the middle of the nights with the same questions that I ask myself every year.

Instead get up every day with the feeling like it is a new year, and your resolutions must be met. I believe that the key to success is pursue a dream like its the one thing that will make your resolutions come true.

Don't ever stop thinking that your life can be improved, spend every day making an effort to withstand the dumps that life puts us in, and create a memory for every moment you live.