For the ones we have loved

Have you ever wondered where you life has gone?
Ever flipped through a yearbook and remembered a friend you wished you could talk to again?
Ever spent a night lying in bed thinking about all the moments you took for granted?
I do, all the time. I am one of those people who ponders on past experiences to try and gain future perspective, all the while wishing I could just remain in the past.
I have had many many people influence me on who I am today, gone through numerous best friends and have spent my life searching for role models to help guide me in to the person I have become.
So today I pause to reflect on each one of the individuals, starting from as early as 5 years old on down to my 19th birthday. They may not realize what they did for me, but I know in my heart that I could never have become the Meagan Louise Doty you all know without them.

Jazzy:
We were so little, we met when we were just toddlers running around a bare patch of grass in front of our apartments, but I remember you so well because you were my first best friend. The one I will always remember walking to our first day of school together. You have now grown up and have your own beautiful family. But I still remember the girl with pigtails and overalls from kindergarten. We shared everything together, and I look back now and understand that no matter how much we fought, I could never have made it through elementary without your friendship.

Breanna:
Oh what a friendship we had. I remember the three of us doing everything together. Playing games, walking to school, laughing and crying. Yes, we still talk and I love to hear that you are doing so well, but I wish we could turn back time and be little kids on the playground again. You taught me how to be cool with who I was and that everyone deserves to have a friend. I don't remember how many people we talked to in elementary, but it seems like we always had the most fun on the swing set. I am so glad you taught me how to never be afraid to talk to someone, and I will always remember you for that.

Mrs Boss:
I wish I knew how to thank you. 6th grade would have never been the same if I wouldn't have had you to confide in. You changed my life, made me and my family realize the changes that needed to happen in order for us both to survive. I know I was so young, but you were the best teacher that I ever had.

Mathew:
Oh boy, you were my first real crush and I cannot thank you enough for letting me believe in love at such a young age.

Mrs. Ruesch:
I would have never developed my love for music if it was not for you all women's choir. I knew before seventh grade that I loved to sing, but I never understood how music could change your life forever. I realize now that through all of my toughest moments music has gotten me through, and if it was not for you I would have never been inspired to follow my dreams and believe in the power that a song could heal your soul.

Jenna:
We were so close and I don't know what happened between us to make you hate me so much. But I just want you to know that I loved having you as a friend. You showed me how to have fun again and how to really be myself. Although we did get into some trouble together, I don't think that I could have ever really understood what it meant to be free if you hadn't shown me. Thank you for taking the time to be my first friend in a place I didn't want to call home.

Lizbeth:
What an amazing summer we had! I can't remember how many times I laughed that year because of you. You lead me on so many adventures and thanks to you I will always remember what it felt like to live in the moment and never take no for an answer. I could kill for another summer like that. Long nights on the tramp, late afternoons at left hand and so many many adventure with random strangers. Thank you so much for treating me like a sister, and for being my best friend.

Morgan:
Girl we got in way to much trouble together, but at last it was something that I needed. Without you even knowing it, you saved my life. Because if it wasn't for us sinking so low together, I don't know if I would have ever made it through Moab alive. Thank you for being so tough in the face of danger and for showing me what it meant to be truly strong.

Michael:
You were my first real love, the one who made my world turn upside down. I think I ruined things between us, and for that I am really sorry. I know we were young, and it may never matter to you, but to me my affection for you is what got me through one of the toughest years of my life. I could have never understood what it meant to be cared about if it was not for the brief moments of our relationship. Thank you for showing me what love really means and for making me believe that it is okay for me to let someone in.

Rio:
Although I do not think we really truly became friends until after I moved, I cant thank you enough for being my best friend. You made me want to help people, to be the caring person that I am today. I wanted to help you find yourself like all of these people helped me find myself. I don't know if I made a difference in your life or not, but I know that you definitely inspire me to make a difference to a lot of other people. I love you for that, and I love you for always being there.

Ashlynn:
We are so much alike that it scares me sometimes. But you can make me laugh, cry, sing, scream, and feel all of the spectrum of emotions by you just walking in the door. You truly have a wonderful soul and a unique ability to listen to the things that are not spoken. Please know that you helped me believe in a pure innocence that I could have never imaged without our friendship.

Sarah:
Moving to St. George was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. But you made it worth it. Our friendship got me through a tough year and you showed me acceptance more than anyone else. You helped me turn over a new leaf, without rushing me into it. I became a better person because you allowed me the time and space to do it on my own. I will never forget our car rides and long talks because you told me it was okay to let someone know you are struggling. Thank you for always believing in the person that I could become.

Cierra:
Your kind soul and warm spirit can brighten up my mornings on any occasion. I am so glad that we are friends and that we have grown so much closer in these past few months. I love spending time with you because I truly feel like the best version of myself when I am around you. I can't understand it, but you have saved my life more than once and I am sure that you will do it again. Thank you for being there, for a distraction, for relief, and for the friend that I can always have a sleepover with and cry to sappy love shows with.

Victoria:
You are such an inspiring person. Without you I do not believe that I would have wanted to follow my dreams and try something new. You showed me that I had a whole different side that I didn't even know about. You made me want to be better by just being around you. And you still do that today. I think you are someone that is going to change the world someday, and I hope that I am there to witness it, because you helped change my life in ways that I can't even explain.

There are many many more people that have changed my life for the better, but I cant even imagine my life without these people. Thank you all for being there in the right time and the right place, because you all created a stepping stone to help me down the long pathway of life. I am a stronger, happier, healthier, more inspired person because of the influence that you all had on my life. Thank you for your words of wisdom, your hilarious moments of laughter, and for being the people I needed most in my life. I wish that one day you will all know that you have changed me, and that I could never have come to love the world if it wasn't for the moments that make me remember you forever.

The new year!

Every year around this time I wake up in a cold sweat and say okay, what are your goals this year? What are you going to do to further your dreams and create some more adventure? What can I do to make myself happy again? Not that I am not happy, but usually the holidays send a bit of sadness and a whole lot of anxiety my way. So with the big boom of the fireworks lighting up the sky I think of all the things I want to accomplish that year. Then I force them back down and tell myself its so stupid to write these things down, I just need to live my life. But as I said before I find myself days later waking up in a cold sweat, mind wandering across the universe, with a pad of paper and a pen shooting sparks out of the end as I write down everything on my mind.

But this year there was no cold sweat, no aching hands from frantically writing, no tear stained cheeks from realizing everything that went wrong the year before, nothing.

I realized that I already made my New Year's resolutions. That I already had a plan to improve my life and to create a better future for myself. I found myself being overwhelmingly proud of how far I had come in just a year. I am really pursuing my dreams and running at the chance to make something of myself. I cant tell you how ecstatic it makes me feel that I know where my life is going, well as of now. So my advice to everyone out there is to skip the wake up calls in the middle of the nights with the same questions that I ask myself every year.

Instead get up every day with the feeling like it is a new year, and your resolutions must be met. I believe that the key to success is pursue a dream like its the one thing that will make your resolutions come true.

Don't ever stop thinking that your life can be improved, spend every day making an effort to withstand the dumps that life puts us in, and create a memory for every moment you live.

1st WEEK OF COLLGE

This week was my first week of college and already I feel as if I am home again.
I walk to my classes like and it feel like I have been doing this all my life, I sit and listen to lecture and I know that somehow I have heard them before. College feels comfortable to me. It feel like I belong somewhere. Although I don't have a lot of friends yet, I already know that I am going to be successful in college. Its been an amazing week. I have gotten so much accomplished in my classes and am starting to form good routines for studying and getting things done. I'm excited to see what this year will do for me and what I can do for Dixie State College. Wish me luck!

Crossing the line

Today I came home from one of the most exciting overnight trips of my life.
I went on a retreat to the Dixie State Cabin in Pine Valley with the Theatre Majors.
It was such a fun time to be with people that were interested in the same things as me.
I met so many new faces and gained a lot of new friends, which is what I have been praying for.
But the most memorable event from this trip was an exercise that we did this morning with the dean of students from Dixie state.
It was called crossing the line. The object was that every participant would stand on one side of the line and the facilitator (dean of students) would ask a question to the whole group; if your answer was yes you would step over the line and face the participants that had not stepped over then once the question was over you would return to your original space. He started out with simple questions, ones that most people would step over then line for like "if your a male step over the line" so on and so forth. But as the session went on he got down to some harder questions, ones you had to really be honest with yourself and have courage to step over the line, questions like "if you have ever been or know someone who was abused as a child, step over the line". This game made you think and feel for everyone in the room, it allowed you to trust yourself in giving an honest answer even if it was hard, and it allowed you to trust other people in the room with secrets that no one else in the world could know. The room was completely silent for over an hour, and after the exercise was done we spoke about how we felt and what we gained from experiencing it together. It left more than a few people crying, including myself, but we also walked away with a better understand of each other, and an appreciation for the people in the department.
Crossing the line felt like you were stripping away all protection of yourself to let people in, so that they could understand you. It shocked me how much love I felt after it was over from the people that I had just barely met. We were all going through problems in our lives, whether they had happened recently or they were thing that we had left years behind us. Either way, I didnt feel alone for once. I had came to this retreat scared and feeling more alone than I had in a really long time. My best friend moved away that very morning and I was looking for a way to cope with things that were causing me depression and anxiety, but what I found was so much more than just a replacement. It was a cure, that only came with trusting myself enough to let others in.

I just want to say thank you to everyone that was there. Thank you for trusting yourself enough to let us in and for allowing me to be someone that most people have never seen. I love this department more and more every second and I cant explain how much I am looking forward to this year with you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Waving Goodbye

Waving goodbye to a friendly face

is like surrendering to a cold embrace

it’s hard to hear they are off for good

but even harder because you know they should

go out and conquer the big open spaces

to smile and live and meet friendly faces

you know that they are much better off

but you wish that this wasn’t the last stop

it truly is a bitter sweet ending

but then again maybe it’s just the beginning

you will see them again when the train comes back around

they will always be your strength to lift you off the ground

so you wave one last time as they look back at you

you hope and wish and pray that they find something new

because whatever lies ahead for you both

will never break the strongest oath

that you made to be friends forever

and no one can break that not now not ever

Mountain Top

When the air touches your face
you feel the world embrace
your soft skin collides with life
all your sorrow pain and strife
slips away with the cold breeze
you can hear the wind in the trees
but your sweat still runs hot
on top of this rock
you reflect on the climb
wishing you had more time
to breath in the valley below
because soon you must go
onto the next hill
where life is no thrill
because the top is so far
and its getting to hard
to climb with a smile
keep going the extra mile
don't stop till you reach
the valley underneath
for when you get up so high
you realize your just fine
because the reward of it all
is more than the risk of the fall
so you will climb the next mountain
stretching you limits for the fountain
of youth that we all seek
because your growing oh so weak
but your hopping to catch your breath
so you may see all the world before the valley of death.....

Hello Mr. Unknown

Have you ever sat awake at night wondering where your life has gone?
I have, I do, all the time.
One day I was walking to kindergarten and the next I was walking on a college campus.
One day I had loads of friends, and the next I was saying goodbye to each and every one of them.
One day I had love in my hands, and the next day I couldn't remember the last time I had been kissed.
This time of year is always the hardest on my dreams.
I always get so wrapped up in the "unknown"!
I lay awake at night wondering where my life is headed and why I cant just stop time.
I get crazy anxiety and cant concentrate on just breathing.
For once I want to lay down in bed and actually sleep.
I don't want to think about money, or people, or anything for that matter.
I just want to sleep.

But tonight I was laying in bed and I thought, "if I embraced the unknown then maybe I will feel better about my life"
So that is my goal for this year.
I am going to embrace Mr. Unknown because maybe if I do that then I wont feel so scared.
If I tell myself that there is nothing around the corner that I can't handle, then maybe I can come to the top of the mountain before I even realize I was climbing.

Mr. Unknown is around the next corner, but I am ready for him.

ARE YOU?